Well this should, in theory, be easy. The other week I cobbled together 500 words on a 0-0 draw that I didn’t actually see so this should be a doddle. This game had everything: five goals, three red cards, one broken nose and Matty Fisher’s brilliant new dying swan act. And, of course, I was actually there, which helps. 

Before the game, Bert sat us down in the Mid-Sussex Football League’s nicest changing rooms and pointed out that the last trophy Cuckfield won was for Best Kept Village in 1975. He’s right when he says we need to address this and, while promotion has to be our priority, with the players we’ve got, this season will have to go down as a failure if we don’t spend at least one May evening drinking Jim’s obscure ales out of a newly-dented piece of silverware. It’s a long road from Jarvis Brook to Wembley (or Hanbury Park, wherever) but, to be fair, it’s a long road from Jarvis Brook to pretty much everywhere. 

The referee, clearly under the impression that this was a World Cup Quarter-Final as opposed to Round One of the Sussex Junior Cup, insisted on pre-match firm handshakes all round. This allowed us to identify the limper handshakes among the opposition and I reckon this played a large part in our victory. 

So, to the game. I would say there were seven key incidents and here they are: 

1. Our first goal

After a pretty even start, 9/10 played Ben Lusk 1 in and his shiny white boots carried him through to a one-on-one which he finished beautifully. 1-0. 

2. Matty Fisher got booked for “simulation”

Or, more specifically, for throwing himself to the ground in a terribly effeminate manner, only to then try and blame it on the slope/ bobbly pitch/ windy conditions. 

3. Our second goal

This started with a great save from Chris Lane, if I remember correctly. Their player called Shorty ghosted past our player called Shorty and drilled a shot in from twenty yards. Laney made a tremendous fingertip save on to the post and 9/10 cleared the rebound. Moments later we were at the other end. Ben Lusk 1’s shot was saved, only for Matty to redeem himself for his earlier theatrics by tucking home the rebound. 2-0. For the record, I suspect that their player called Shorty is called Shorty because he is short, not because his surname’s Short. 

4. Our third goal

This had a touch of the Michael Owen in 1998s about it. Tommy Chez hurt his ankle, their players looked to the ref to see if he was going to stop play. He didn’t and Matty Fisher slalomed through their defence before slotting past the keeper. Goal of the day, without a doubt and 3-0. They felt massively hard done by but, to be fair to the ref, he waved play on. All footballers are taught to play to the whistle from an early age, which in the case of their captain was some time around the end of World War II. 

5. Our fourth goal

As I recall, this involved most of their defence queuing up and taking turns to foul Clifton Marshall and Smiler inside the box. For about ten minutes. The ref eventually pointed to the spot and not a moment too soon. Jarvis Brook were adamant that it wasn’t a penalty and I’m inclined to agree. It wasn’t a penalty, it was more like four penalties. The ref only let us have one though and Smiler duly obliged, despite apparently changing his mind halfway into his run-up. 4-0. 

6. 11 vs 11 suddenly became 10 vs 9.

Now, if their players are to be believed, their number 7 is The Nicest Man In The World ™ . He spends most of his spare time knitting jumpers for pensioners and baking cakes for disabled children. I spoke to him during and after the game and, to be fair, he did seem like a perfectly pleasant chap. So quite why he felt the need to break Laney’s nose is anyone’s guess. He had to go for an early bath and his mate had to follow him, if we’re honest. You just can’t go calling the ref a “cheating fucking knobhead” and expect to get away with it these days. And then 11 vs 9 became 10 vs 9. I’m sure that, with the benefit of hindsight, Danny T would accept that “fuck off, you bald prick” was probably not the most sensible thing to shout while standing next to a bald referee who had just sent a player off for foul and abusive language, but there you go. While a paramedic made Laney look ridiculous, Wiggy Whitehurst went in goal, looking a bit ridiculous himself but keeping a clean sheet while he did so. 

7. Our fifth goal

I have to say that, four goals up with an extra player, playing against a team from five divisions below us (and with less than twenty minutes to go) I felt that we’d be disappointed if the game had gone to extra time. Thankfully it didn’t. Noles came on for the injured Tommy and scored a fifth. As I recall, he miscontrolled the ball and then scared the keeper into jumping over the ball, leaving him with a simple tap-in. Nolan’s recollection was a whole load more Brazilian but I’m writing the report so it’s going down as a fluke. 5-0, job done. 

Bert sent me a text this morning asking me to write the report but gave me no further details. I’m going to say that Danny T was still MoM, despite his red card. For the first 72 minutes he was awesome, winning everything and driving us forward at every opportunity. He spent the remaining 18 minutes washing his mouth out with soap and water but by then the game was won. I thought Gards and 9/10 were excellent at full-back and Matty Fisher was a constant threat up front, taking both of his goals well. Everyone else did OK. 

And that was that. It was my first game in six months and there’ll be harder games ahead than this, but I’ve got the buzz back and I’m looking forward to the rest of the season. Except next weekend, that is, when I’m in Manchester for another bloody wedding. 

Well done, everyone, more of the same next week.