Buxted 0-0 Cuckfield Town

Now in most dictionaries, the word “delegation” is defined as “deferring responsibility to a deputy or subordinate”. Nolan’s dictionary is, apparently, even more specific. “Getting your best mate to write the match report for a game he didn’t actually watch” it says.

Well OK, I’ll give it a go. To be fair to Nolan, he has at least given me a very basic rundown of events. Let’s see if I can remember them all.

1. Bert wasn’t there.

Interesting. Having wasted approximately two hundred texts questioning my commitment to the Cuckfield cause, Bert celebrated by booking himself a holiday in September. For the record, by the way, last week I was suspended and this week I was at the wedding of my good friend Ahmer Shah (and he’s a 17 stone ex-cage fighter so telling him I wasn’t coming to his wedding simply wasn’t an option). Bert can only start questioning my commitment when I say I can’t play because I’m going to the St Richard’s Church Teddy Bear’s Picnic (or, more specifically, next weekend).

2. We have several new players.

I personally find it ridiculous that Cristiano Ronaldo’s £80M move to Real Madrid created so much media nonsense while the free transfer of Matt de Bruxelles to the mighty whitebellies slipped in pretty much under the radar. Brussels is a great signing, both on and off the pitch. He’s a great player, he can play just about anywhere and, more importantly, I used to really quite fancy his mum.

We’ve also signed Colin Obbard - another great addition. As far as I can recall, I only know one story involving a man weighing his own penis in a Turin bar, but I’m delighted to be able to say that it’s a story in which Obby has a very large part, so to speak. It remains, however, a story for the White Harte, not the Internet.

There is also Dan Clark, AKA Smiler. Right, his name’s Dan Clark and his nickname isn’t Clarky? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this. (And I’ve told my mates Clarky and Clarky and they’re fuming.) Now, people usually earn the soubriquet Smiler by either a) always smiling or b) never smiling. Nolan reliably informs me that it’s the former and I’m delighted to hear it.

3. The pitch was “notably undulating”, as Adam Walker might say.

Quite brilliantly, Nolan told me that the pitch had “a massive downhill slope”. I pointed out that, presumably, that would mean there was “massive uphill slope” too but I’m not sure he understood. And he’s meant to be the clever one.

4. Buxted missed a sitter with five minutes to go.

I sent Nolan a text on Saturday afternoon to see how we got on. “0-0 should have won” came the reply. Putting the worrying lack of punctuation to one side, I got the impression that Nolan was disappointed with a draw. Strange then that the only snippet of information I can remember was that they missed a sitter that would probably have won the game. Never mind.

5. Nolan won the MoM, but not anymore.

Not content with being both chairman and manager for the day, Nolan awarded himself the MoM as well. Presumably he wanted to take the goal kicks, throw-ins and free kicks too. Whatever, I’m not having it. If I’m writing the report, I’m choosing the MoM. The score was 0-0 so I’m taking the MoM away from the centre-forward who forgot to score any goals and giving it to the goalkeeper who remembered not to let any in. Well done, Nealo, and firm handshakes all round for Ali, Danny White, Shorty and Brussels.

Also, I’m giving the referee 10/10 because I spent all of Sunday afternoon at Nolan’s house and he never once mentioned the ref. That has to be a good thing.

So there you go. Not a bad result, and remember that we had several key players missing. Ben Lusk 2 dropped out at the last minute, sending his close friend Ben Lusk 0 in his place; Clifton Marshall had the launch of Topshop’s new range of accessories to see to and Will Ivey, if he’s got any sense, had the lovely Mrs Ivey to see to. Speaking of which, congrats to them on their summer nuptials and best of luck to Mr and Mrs Sarling-To-Be for Saturday. I’ll do my best to turn up around 9/10. See what I did there?

Bosh. x